Friends in Low Places...
I seem to be in a learning space about friendship recently (and not the fun kind of learning, either). I have been struggling to make new REAL friends (vs. nice acquaintances) since moving to Sao Paulo, which has had me pondering the whole concept of friendship.
What I am learning about myself so far – I don’t need many true friends, but feel very loyal and want to feel deeply connected to the ones I have. I want to be able to truly let my hair down, answer the door in pajamas, and share my deepest secrets (yes, I do have a couple). It’s not easy for me to make true friends, because I am in truth an introvert, which means I’d prefer to be sought out rather than to seek. It feels like a lot of WORK to form a new friendship, kind of like dating, and to be honest, I am kind of tired of trying right now. But if I don’t try, I feel alone in this big, big city.
I’ve also learned that I have deeply imbedded in me one of the first things we learn in Nia training: being impeccable with our words. Unfortunately for me, that principle is almost non-existent in the Sao Paulo culture, where “Eu te ligo” or “I’ll call you” is basically a meaningless expression. In my world, “I’ll call you” means that I will indeed call you. I have embraced this Nia principle in my life, and didn’t realize until I moved to Sao Paulo that I also value it in others. I have been disappointed SO many times here, by both Brazilians and Expats who have apparently embraced the culture here, where saying you’ll do something doesn’t mean you’ll do it. So, I have chosen to surround myself with a few people that I can count on, which I know limits me, but honestly I just don’t want to live my life any other way.
So I find myself now in a place of having acquaintances, and possibly some budding friendships after being here almost 9 months. Most days I’m okay with it, and some days I just need to call my mom and cry. This too shall pass…
Categories: Life in Brazil
Tags: friendship Sao Paulo
Although, I follow many blogs, I've very rarely felt compelled to comment, but I feel as if you were in on a conversation I had with some "friends" on Thanksgiving. I also have been here almost a year and have very few people I would be comfortable in my pj's with. As I go through my week, I often wonder why all these "friends" seem to have so many friends and I can't seem to really connect with most of the woman I meet. It forced me to look at myself and question why? Then I figured out, it not them, it's me. I don't want to spend time making acquaintances anymore. I haven't done many INC events recently, because I left feeling like I had dealt out much advice, stated my country of origin, and where my husband worked, one too many times. Just because I'm an expat in Sao Paulo, doesn't mean I need to find a lifetime friend while I'm here. If I do, great, but if I don't, that's OK too. There's nothing wrong with not joining every group, going to every coffee, and accepting every invitation you get. But if I say, I'll call you. I too mean it. I just don't feel compelled to say it very often. Just like my husband, I'm hoping my slumber party friend shows up when i least expect her and we have many days of endless conversation and fun. Until then, I'll just keep phoning home and organizing my boards on Pinterest, the latest sub I've found for my BFF.
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Thanks so much for your honest comment... It helps to know I am not the only one having this experience here in the large, large city. I, too, have tired of INC events for the same reason. I guess I am looking for a BFF substitute too! Well put...
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I can relate to this sooooooo much. I have been in the USA for 10 years now, and I have made so many acquaintences, but been lucky enough to meet one or 2 friends who have been there to suport me...not as much as I support them...but that their choice. I struggled in the beginning when people would ask "how are you"..I would say Im fine..when really inside I was crying out for help...struggling to settle here..just trying to survive the next 24 hours. The move is tough..and we will all encounter it at some point. Hopefully I will be a beacon of support for whoever faces that transition. Hang in there Stephanie!!!
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Thanks, Caz! I love your statement about being a beacon of support for whomever faces transition - I'd like to be that too...
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1. I hope the need to call your Mom with problems doesn't pass - "You've got a friend in me".
2. I know the feeling. I was sooo lonesome in France. I did meet a friend, but she lived in London. Luckily I traveled to London frequently. It was a friendship that was not enduring as we both ended up in different countries with demanding jobs.
but I will always appreciate her friendship. It was what was needed at the time.
3. People come into our lives for different reasons. Usually to meet a need or as a teacher in our life's journey. Both those who meet a need or who teach should be appreciated, even though the lessons may be painful.
As long as you know that whatever you are experiencing is an opportunity to learn and grow, you will be all right.
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